WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
