ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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