he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
