you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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