As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
