He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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