when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
