My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She bit a glass in half.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
