I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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