Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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