I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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