Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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