2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Randomize
