She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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