I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
