Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
