Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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