My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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