Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
