Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
