we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i think my cat just said my name.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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