after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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