please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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