So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
