This girl is more easily done than said...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Randomize