She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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