i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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