Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
it hurts more in the daytime
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
