just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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