it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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