Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
