so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
