We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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