Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
