New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize