look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
