mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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