Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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