guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
