theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
