i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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