I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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