im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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