you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
