Umm I'm too high to move.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
