hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
