Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
