actually, I'm a sock model
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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