please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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