i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I love you. Go after that dick
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
