Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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