the new term for farting is butt boxing.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
