Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You're like the curious george of whores
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
