I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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