Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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