Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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