im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
