Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
