Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
my liver is dry heaving
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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