Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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