If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
