I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
