whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
