You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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