STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
