the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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