they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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