Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
