he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
