I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
