it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
