The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have aggressive nipples.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
