I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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