Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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