Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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