did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
